If your spouse is disrespectful, and/or you find yourself treating your spouse the same way, then it’s time to set some real relational boundaries for the protection of your mental and emotional health. Below are some questions to ask and next steps to take as you think through setting unilateral boundaries:
Identity: Am I relying on others’ praise to fill me up or give me a sense of self? Am I caving in any way to the criticism of others and believing what they say over what God says of me? In what ways do I need to place more of my worth and value in who God says I am? With whom do I need to set a boundary?
Disrespect: Where do you need to set a boundary for yourself around defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or stonewalling? Which ones do you engage in and how can you catch yourself earlier on when you start to feel flooded, to stay in control of your reactions? Likewise, where do you need to set a boundary with your spouse? In what ways have you found yourself undermining your spouse? In what ways have you experienced your spouse undermining you? Move forward with setting your boundaries.
Example: “I understand that you’re upset, but I can’t hear what you’re saying when you phrase it like that. The way you’re saying it is too hurtful to sink in. Now, I’d like to better understand where you’re coming from, but for me, we need to put this conversation on hold until both of us are calm, things are expressed differently, and I can better hear what you’re trying to say.” And then, follow through on your boundary! If your spouse won’t let it alone, reinforce your earlier statement. “I told you, I am not capable of having a conversation like this, so I’m walking away or taking some time until we can come back together and talk productively.”
Bad Behavior: Here are a few linked resources with phone numbers to help:
Domestic Violence Hotline + Support: 1-800-799-7233
Substance Abuse Hotline + Support: 1-800-662-4357
Mental Health Helpline + Resources: 1-800-950-6264
To work with Kensi, visit bravemarriage.com.
Thanks to John Tibbs for the amazing music each week, Evan Duszynski for podcast editing, & you listener, for tuning each week to make your marriage even better. May God be glorified in you and through your marriage.
